Narcissism and ADHD.
As per Google, by definition, Narcissism is an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance. It is a trait that we all display to some degree. Then there is the medical condition Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The Mayo Clinic says “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others.” (Mayo Clinic Staff) Seeing as I’m not a Dr., what we’ll be referring to in this blog post is the trait of narcissism.
Contextually I believe our present-day world has become more narcissistic over time. There are many contributing factors, namely social media and technology. The ability to have access to, capture, garner, and maintain the attention of an audience based on how we behave and are perceived tends to create a hunger or thirst for “more attention”. This starts at a very young age these days. Many children as young as 3-4 know what YouTube is and have watched another child, often slightly older, put on a show for them. Whether it’s opening up a surprise toy live, or being overly dramatic to draw out laughter, the seed is planted very young. As our attention is directed away from ourselves and towards others, there can be a loss of a sense of self. Compare and despair can set in for teens. Self-judgement can become a lens that we use regularly.
Why does any of this matter? Specifically when it comes to narcissism and ADHD, I’ve heard family members say things like “they’re really self-absorbed”, “they don’t hear me”, “they never listen to me”, “they only care about what interests them”, “all of their attention is on this one thing, it’s all they care about”, or “they don’t respect my time and are always late” when describing some of the challenges they experience with the neurodivergent person in their life. While these may seem like narcissistic traits, I’d like to point out some nuances.
ADHD impacts the Executive Function part of a person’s brain. I believe we’re really just talking about a different operating system. All humans have brains, not all brains were designed to operate in the same way. (If you’re not sure what I mean check out my other blog entitled ADHD and Systemic Oppression). While the medical community labels what’s going on upstairs in the brain a deficit (ADHD), I tend to believe it’s what we’ll need to take us into the technological age of Aquarius. (More on that in another post). If you understand that someone that thinks in a non-linear fashion has less access to memory, more access to creative problem solving, less access to time-awareness, more access to resiliency, more access to hyper-focus, less access to sustained coordinated attention…then it might make more sense to you why they do what they do. It’s not about making excuses, it’s about de-normalizing the belief that their is only one “normal” way to human.
When your brain sees a non-linear thinker who is super absorbed in something (to the point of not hearing you speak to them), rather than make it mean they are narcissistic and don’t care about you, you may make it mean they’re passionate about what they’re working on AND care about you. In that case, you may need to touch their shoulder and say their name to get their attention before speaking to them.
In my experience someone who experiences ADHD tendencies is well aware of what it feels like to feel hurt by others not understanding them, and rarely intend to cause harm. (I say rarely because all humans are different and I’m painting with a wide brush here). If you bring something up to them honestly and share how you’re feeling, many will be open to hearing you and doing the work to make things better. (You may need to work together to come up with tools). In fact there is often an “over taking of responsibility” when someone is upset with them. This comes from being conditioned over the course of a lifetime that the way they do things (or don’t do things) is wrong. The “why” behind the behaviors is very different from someone displaying purely narcissistic tendencies. In true narcissism, there is an inability to take any kind of responsibility for causing harm. There tends to be a complete deflection. It can’t be their fault. There is zero access to self-inquiry.
As someone who over the past 10 years has worked with people who have ADHD and/or ADHD tendencies, along with their families I’ve noticed something when it comes to narcissism. Grace can go a long way towards others and ourselves. Open dialogue is helpful, but assumptions are not. Asking someone to tell you about what’s going on for them when they aren’t responding, when they’re always late, or hyper-focused can be informative. If we’re coming from a place of believing someone “should” behave in one particular way, and because they don’t they’re narcissistic, maybe the truth is there’s some narcissism in believing that only one way is being is correct. #foodforthought
Works Cited: Mayo Clinic Staff. “Narcissistic personality disorder - Symptoms and causes.” Mayo Clinic, 6 April 2023, https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662. Accessed 29 January 2025.