Decision Making: Why Is It So Hard To Choose?

What is it about making decisions that can feel so hard?

This comes up eventually in almost all of my coaching sessions.

A decision needs to be made, large, small, in between. It doesn’t really matter.

In the moment, it feels like a very large and very serious decision, no matter what it’s about. Life or death. For sure.

And for some reason it feels impossible to make it. To decide.

When I ask my clients why? Why is it hard to choose?

They tell me the following:

• “What if I make the wrong decision?”

• “What if I regret my decision?”

• “What if it turns out bad and I get blamed?”

• “What if the consequences are bad and my fault?”

• “What if I change my mind later?”

Let’s take a look at these a little bit closer.

Is there a such thing as a wrong decision?

What if everything worked in your favor no matter what you chose?

Romans 8:28 is a favorite verse of mine.

“And we know that for those who love God, that is, for those who are called according to his purpose, all things are working together for good.”

All things!

No matter what decision we make, it will happen FOR us.

Even if it feels like it’s not working out the way we intended, or desired, we can have faith in the fact that in the larger picture it will contribute to our good.

What is regret?

According to the dictionary, regret is: a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

Let me repeat the first part…regret is a feeling.

What do we know about feelings?

That we create them ourselves with what we choose to think.

We can think a thought, like “I knew I should’ve chosen the other one. Now I’m stuck with this.” and feel regret.

Or we can think a thought like “I got the perfect one for me. How do I know that? Because it’s the one that I have.” and feel confident in our selection.

Who decides if something’s bad?

And who decides if we feel blame?

Good news again! We do.

For every single thing that happens, we get to decide if we are going to find the bad in it or the good in it. There’s always both.

Let’s say something doesn’t go as planned, and someone “blames you for making the wrong decision”. You get to decide if you want to agree with them and join that party, or not.

Let them think what they want. They will anyways. You get to decide if you want to think the same thing.

The good thing about others being allowed to think whatever they want, is we get to do the same thing!

Next time you’re faced with a decision treat it like a band aid that you forgot was there. It needs to come off and the faster the better.

Ask yourself if either option worked out perfectly, exactly the way that you wanted them to, which would you choose then?

Go with that one.

You feel stuck because you’re delaying the decision. Making a choice actually takes less than 30 seconds.

Rather than choosing an option, and making the decision, you’re choosing to stay stuck.

It’s not happening to you. You’re choosing it.

You make a decision the same way. Just choose.

If you think you may need a life coach in your life, I’d love to talk with you. Book a free 45 minute mini-session to find out what it’s all about and how it can help you launch into the next version of yourself!

The Path To Your Goal Is Paved With 1000 Pebbles

I woke up in the middle of the night and had an epiphany. As I’m coaching with clients, it’s common for them to say “I keep doing the things and nothing, I’m just not seeing the results that I want”. I’ve thought it many times myself.

By nature I’m what is referred to as a “quick start”. On the Kolbe index, it describes the instinctive way that a person deals with risk and uncertainty. A person that is not afraid to jump in and do the things. That’s me.

According to the Kolbe index, “these change makers add vision and risk to the mix. Always negotiable, they defy the odds and intuit pos­sibilities that would otherwise go untried. Because they instigate the unusual, people who operate in the initiating zone of Quick Start are natural promoters and entrepreneurs. Accommodating change is no problem for people who respond in Quick Start. For instance, they’ll go along if you change your mind at the last minute and want to see a different movie. “

I take action, I do things, and I adjust.

I take action, I do things, and I expect results.

What I realized the other night is that my expectations may be out of alignment. When I have a goal in mind, I envision where I want to end up, what it will take to get me there and what the obstacles may be. Often the obstacles appear in my mind as very, very large mountains or boulders that need to be scaled or overturned.

I think if they can’t be scaled or overturned then there must be a creative solution to get around them. (I love that one, problem solving is my favorite!)

On average, I imagine 3-6 very large obstacles at a time. Never more than that.

I had a belief that there are a few large obstacles in the way of our dreams, and if we feel afraid but still take action, and then creatively navigate the 3-6 very large obstacles, we would get to where we want to go.

Expectations.

It just made sense to me.

Expectations.

So many movies are based on this premise. The mission is in sight and yet there is one large obstacle in the way. One big problem to be solved.

I bought into the hype.

I want to solve the one very large problem!!

So when I woke up the other night, for some reason I woke up and the first thing that came to my mind was an image of 1000 pebbles. No boulder. No mountain. Just 1000 pebbles.

They were small, and smooth, and light, and the same.

Where do I start?

It doesn’t matter, just pick one and flip it over.

Pick another one, and flip it over.

And another…

And another…

What if the way to my goal is to flip 1000 pebbles? Am I willing to do it?

It sounds boring and uneventful.

Can I stick with it long enough?

What if I think the way to my goal is to flip 1000 pebbles, and actually it’s more like 100,000 pebbles? Am I willing to do THAT?

I decided that night as I drifted off back to sleep, yes, yes I am willing.

The next morning I woke up and got to work.

Flipping pebbles.

How To Feel Confident When You're Not Feeling Confident - Part II

In Part I of How To Feel Confident When You’re Not Feeling Confident, we talked about the concept of using triggers or cues when we notice ourselves feeling afraid or nervous.

We looked at the types of things people do to try and trick their brains into believing that they are able to do something that feels impossible. Essentially, how to feel more confident in their abilities.

If you haven’t yet read Part I, you can find that post here.

Today let’s take a look at how we may be able to use this newfound knowledge and apply it in areas that we may feel insecure.

If we successfully use cues in one instance (put on red lipstick and dominate in a power lifting competition), how can we then use that same strategy in another instance? For example, believing that we are capable of creating the business that we want.

Many of my clients are entrepreneurial in nature. They have a side hustle, and a side hustle to their side hustle. They have skills and are figuring out ways to monetize those skills and offer them to the world. Starting a business requires you to feel confident. (Notice I didn’t say requires you to BE confident.)

It requires you to feel confident long enough to take the next step, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

I will be the first one to say, while I’ve figured out how to make just about any type of trip or vacation happen, I’ve noticed the process is not quite as smooth when it comes to other areas of my life.

Let’s take my coaching business for example.

I spent the first year of my coaching business offering pro-bono coaching, as a way to gain experience and quite honestly to feel more confident in my offering.

Let me be super clear here so the people in the back can hear…for over 250 hours I coached pro-bono. That means for free, yes free!

While I’m grateful for every hour of it and believe whole heartedly that it made me a much better coach today, the truth of the matter is, it just felt really hard to ask clients to pay for coaching. (Even though I myself had invested in coaching at twice the rate of what I was asking, and found it well worth it!)

I questioned my ability to provide results, I struggled with believing that it was possible for clients to want to pay me. I didn’t have past evidence that I could do it, therefore questioned whether I could. I struggled with believing and in hindsight wonder “what could have been my red lipstick in this scenario?”

Here are a few things that I’ve discovered that help me when I’m needing a boost of confidence:

1. Mel Robbins #5secondrule - This has been a game changer for me! If I think long, I often think wrong. As an intuitive person I have learned that when an idea comes to me, no matter how outlandish it may seem, there’s usually something worth looking at. Counting down 5-4-3-2-1-GO has helped to keep me from second guessing myself. It also keeps my #recoveringpeoplepleasing ways at bay. I try not to allow time to worry about what others may think.

2. Outer Accountability - I bring someone else into my plan. Speaking my commitment out loud and somehow tying it into a commitment to someone else is a good strategy for me. As an #obliger I have a tendency to show up for others way more than I tend to show up for myself. (I have been working on this, but am still very much a work in progress!)

3. Pain factor - If I really want to get something done, I need to invest in it. I value money and don’t like to waste it. If I pay and purchase, I tend to follow through. (Just like purchasing a plane ticket.) Those dolla dolla bills are NOT going to waste.

4. Take a look at my thoughts. They probably are not where they need to be. Thoughts that help me are:

   *I’m heading in the right direction and helping people along the way.

   *There are people that need what I have to offer and are ready to pay for it.

   *I saw the value in coaching, others will too.

   *Nothing can deflate me. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.

Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear how you give yourself a pep talk and realign your mind to feel confident! What’s your red lipstick?! ~Shaun