How to Feel Confident When You're Not Feeling Confident: Part I

Ahh, the magic of red lipstick!

I had the most interesting conversation this week with a client.

We were talking about how in certain areas, we both have established “cues” that we use to signal “game on”, “let’s do this” or “it’s time to leave it on the floor" (for my fellow dancers and cheerleaders at heart).

She is a power lifter and specifically when it’s time to compete, she puts on her red lipstick, hair up in a bun and that means “go” for her.

It causes her to think a thought that instantly has her feeling confident.

I have noticed that for me, when it comes to taking trips, whether it’s for vacation, or a trip to visit my sisters family back East, or a work conference, if and when I buy my plane ticket there’s no going back. Once I buy that ticket, it’s as good as done. My brain knows that I won’t purchase a plane ticket and waste it. I would never purchase the ticket and then just not go.

The plane ticket equates to a level of commitment for me. As soon as it’s purchased every cell in me knows “I’m going now” and believes it. I’m instantly confident in my ability to get myself on that plane and to whatever destination I’m headed to.

For my client, the red lipstick and bun (which are never worn in her everyday life) equate to a level of commitment for her. It signals to her brain that she’s not messing around.

I started to think of other situations where this might occur.

My husband is a big fan of baseball (Go Dodgers!). He often points out to me as we’re watching a game the quirks and habits that different players have. Something that they always do before they go up to bat, or something that is done before they leave the locker room.

You may think it’s superstition at work. But what if for them, it is more like a “cue” to their brain that it’s “go time”?! It’s like hitting the override switch.

Our minds are so very powerful and full of thoughts.

Our thoughts determine how we feel.

Our feelings determine the actions that we take.

Our actions determine our results.

Since our brains are wired to keep us safe and protect us, it often thinks thoughts that aren’t big enough for our goals.

People that feel confident are not just born that way. They have moments when they are not feeling confident too. They expect those moments and then are prepared and choose to hit the override switch and signal to their brain “let’s go”!

What if the cues that I mentioned above, were simply ways to intercept the small thoughts that won’t serve us, and instead put us into “big thought mode”?

What types of cues do you use? Share in the comments!

So Many Interests: Curiosity and ADHD Tendencies

Look a squirrel!!

How many of you know what I'm talking about?

Urban Dictionary actually has a definition for "squirreling" that looks like this:

“1. referring to a sudden distraction (an A.D.D. lapse in time) mid thought, while another is talking, or when trying to accomplish any task.”

People that don't deal with this tendency every waking moment, seem to think it's hilarious. While I'm all about some self-deprecating humor from time to time, but the struggle is real.

I'm sure you've also heard the term "shiny object syndrome" in regards to ADHD. Which is basically the belief that due to a shortened attention span, a lack of focus and a pension towards boredom, the person with ADHD tendencies will drop everything, lose interest in something and basically bolt to the next new thing in front of them. The "new thing" is so shiny and pretty it's lure is nearly impossible to ignore. 

I could never entirely relate to that. As I reflect back on my work, hobby and entrepreneurial life, I see a pattern of trying new ventures for a solid length of time before deciding that something had eventually run its course and then moving on. Sure I am curious by nature and I prefer variety over the same old same old, but mainly because it feels adventurous. There are so many different flavors of ice cream to try, why not try them all?!

While I DO consider myself an eclectic person of many interests, there is a difference between considering and choosing what to pursue next vs. jumping straightaway towards the new without regard for the old. I've learned to build in a bit of a pause for myself. 

A few strategies that have helped me do that are:

• When I see that "shiny new object" I first allow myself just to notice it. To be curious about it. I ask myself what about it is intriguing to me and if I'm already doing something that meets a similar need.

• I see if there's the excitement of learning a new challenge and what the cost will be to do so. Time, money, current passions? Some shiny objects are lower cost investments than others.

• I also see if there are ways to dabble a bit, and try something on for size before diving head first into a "become the expert" type of a situation.

It's also not lost on me that by chasing shiny objects I could potentially self-sabotage my goals by not sticking with something long enough. At times this caused me to actually do the reverse, overstay situations to make doubly, triply sure I wasn't just jumping ship just because of this "shiny object" tendency that I may or may not have.

What about you? How do you handle the call of something new? Join the conversation over on my Revealed Path Facebook page by clicking the button below.

Time Challenges and ADHD Tendencies

Ask anyone who struggles with ADHD tendencies, and they are sure to tell you that the concept of time can be challenging.

In fact, not just the concept of time but being on time, scheduling time, prioritizing things, knowing the length of time something will take, how long it will take to get somewhere, how long it will actually take to get out the door, how much can be done in a certain amount of time, how to spend time that is suddenly "extra", the list goes on.

A big part of the reason for that struggle is because of what's known as our Executive Function (EF). Executive Function is a group of mental processes that help us to get things done. They help us to organize, plan and connect the dots between our past and experiences and our present. Estimating time, awareness of the passing of time and prioritizing all fall under the management of our (EF).

If we look more closely at the awareness of time, for the "neuro-typical" aka "non-adhd" brain, time moves along a line, like a timeline. There are hours, minutes, days, weeks, months and years that are considered. For the "ADHD tendency" brain, time tends to move in a circle. There are really only two measurements of time, now and not now. Because of this, people with ADHD tendencies can have a difficult time grasping the concept of time and tend to have trouble judging how quickly it's passing. In the "not now" period, nothing is urgent. There is plenty of time. When suddenly something moves into the "now" period, everything becomes an emergency and panic mode can set in. Any of this sound familiar?

Many of my clients are super hard workers that are committed to getting things done. Where things can get messy is in determining how long it will take to get it done. A new project will come their way that they are very excited about. They often have the best of intentions and may think faster is better, many of them can be very detail oriented and are aware of their tendency to get trapped in the weeds. Because of this they may err against that tendency and commit to completing something sooner than is possible. They often commit without having any real sense of how long it should take. That "sense" of time can just be off. 

One simple strategy to help with this is to guesstimate how long something will take-either how long it will take to complete it, or how long it will take to get somewhere etc. Once you come up with a length of time, DOUBLE IT! That's right, times two. This simple step alone will start to shift you into the time-awareness zone and out of the twilight zone! Once you do that, pay attention on the back end of things and ask yourself: 

How was my timing?

Did I allow too much time? Not enough time?

Would I do it the same next time?

While we're talking about time, there's no time like the present! Why don't you take a quick second and book a 30 minute mini-session with me? If you could wake up tomorrow and feel differently or do something differently, what would it be?

There's no commitment, and I know that coaching can help. I'd love to hear what you're struggling with and offer some help. Things can get better starting right now.